PATRICIA, A WELL PRESENTED, MIDDLE AGED WOMAN,
STANDS AT THE END OF A PERFECTLY MADE, FOUR POSTER BED. SHE OVER ENUNCIATES HER
WORDS AS IF TRYING TO COVER UP HER NORTHERN ACCENT. SHE IS FOLDING A MANS OUTFIT AND PUTTING IT
INTO A SUITCASE TROLLEY, THOUGHTFULLY. FLORAL, TRADITIONAL WALLPAPER LINES THE
WALL. THE FURNITURE AND ORNAMENTS THAT SURROUND HER SIT IMMACULATELY. PATRICIA
PICKS UP A ROLLED UP PAIR OF SOCKS AND IS ABOUT TO PUT THEM IN THE SUITCASE,
BUT INSTEAD PAUSES AND LIFTS THEM UPTO HER NOSE. SHE MAKES A FACE AS SHE
REALISES THAT THEY ARE DIRTY, AND THEN SIGHS HEAVILY.
PATRICIA: Will he ever learn? I’ve told him again and again ‘If you can
still smell your socks through the chest of drawers then they are not fit to be
worn!’ He will happily wear them too.
That’s if I don’t get to them before he does. It seems that man’s intent on
embarrassing me! Felicity takes great pleasure in pointing out Alfred’s flaws. ‘Oh
yes,’ she said during our Friday doubles game. ‘He is improving bless him! I
remember when he first started. It was truly awful; poor chap couldn’t hold a
racket Har-har! Oh, no offence Patricia!’ No offence! Of course, you know that
as soon as she utters those two words, there most certainly is something to be offended by. Her
little way of letting you know where you stand... No offence indeed! I never
let her get away with it, naturally. Mind you, I did make Alfred stay an hour
after that particular game to work on his back hand...
PATRICIA: ‘I don’t know why you fuss so much Pat, anyone would think the Darlings were royalty
or the like!’ he’d say. The Darlings rarely lost a match to us. It’s no wonder;
they were likeminded people.
Alfred isn’t... like me, so to
speak. Never interested in anything I enjoy.
Never quite able to get his head around it all. He’d try. I’d make him try. But would he ever take any
of it seriously? (PATRICIA RAISES HER
EYES SKYWARDS. SHE FIRES THE DIRTY SOCKS INTO THE SUITCASE AND ZIPS IT UP
FIERCELY) Well I’d get jolly well sick of it. He may have found it all a
hoot, but I am a respectable person
within that tennis club! Within my friendship circle. Sometimes I think we’re just too different. For my birthday last
year he got me tickets to see Hairspray the musical. Hairspray! For a woman of
my age? Ninety nine percent of the audience were barely out of their mother’s
womb. Les miserable’s was what I wanted
to see. I’d dropped very clear hints but it obviously wasn’t enough. ‘Well I’m
sorry love! They’re both musicals. Didn’t think there’d be much difference. I
thought you’d like it but, oh, that’s right, I forgot that nothing I do for you
is good enough.’
Oh yes. Twist things. That’s another thing he’d do. Often had me
believing I was the one in the wrong.
Last week I cooked him an apology dinner after one of our arguments. Prepared a
lovely smoke salmon dish and delicious cheesecake. Beautifully presented, could
have come from a Michelin star restaurant, if I do say so myself! Of course he
was back late from work again, as per
usual. Well, I thought why let the beautiful cuisine go to waste? So I told
him I was inviting the Darlings over. But what did the foolish man do?! He rolled
in around ten thirty, drunk up to the eyeballs, covered in goodness knows what.
I could have died with the sheer horror of the situation. ‘Oh don’t mind me
darrrrllinnggs!’ he’d said in an awful mock-upper-class accent. ‘HAHA! Sorry!
Sorry. I’d better go and get myself cleaned up. Don’t want to put you off your
food! It was hard grafting today. But I like to get hands on, nudge-nudge,
wink-wink... HAHA! Oh sorry love couldn’t help myself.’ He’d sniggered. I could
have killed him. Very nearly grabbed the bread knife, right there and then. That
night, not only had he made a complete fool out of me but he’d completely blown
any chance I…(PATRICIA REALISES HER
MISTAKE) we had of being
respected. The darlings had found out that he wasn’t a structural surveyor, like
I’d said, but a... (PATRICIA WINCES) labourer.
How could we ever face them after that? It was so shameful. An awful, awful
situation.
We argued until near enough One am after they’d left that night... (PATRICIA PAUSES. HER FACIAL EXPRESSION
CHANGES FROM ONE OF EXHAUSPERATION TO GUILT)
Looking back now,
maybe I was a bit hard on him. Too hard. He doesn’t mean to irritate me, I
know. But I’m not the type of person to bite my tongue and he knows that! Knew
it when he met me. I just wish he’d try
harder sometimes. But, I suppose it was a
nice thought, to treat me to the theatre like that... It’s just that Felicity
rambled on endlessly about how Phillip bought her a wonderful, eighteen carrot
necklace for their anniversary. Although, Alfred did put more thought into his gift, even if he wasn’t quite on the
right track. I didn’t even think he knew about my love for the theatre
Maybe that’s why it
happened. Perhaps I was the cause. Oh
dear... Could that have been it? Could it have been... my fault? I was always
getting at him for something. And all of the things were so trivial. And now
he’s lying there... I wonder if he knows when I’m with him.
I wonder what he’s
thinking. I wouldn’t blame him if he was devising ways to get back at me... ha
(PATRICIA GIVES A SLIGHT, WISTFUL LAUGH)
He always tried his best by me, bless him. Working all the hours god sent to
give me the lifestyle I demanded. No wonder he is where he is now, Oh God, What
have I done to him? (A TEAR RUNS DOWN
PATRICIAS EYE, SHE WIPES IT AWAY WITH THE SOCK WITHOUT THINKING. REALISING, SHE
LAUGHS SLIGHTLY AGAIN) Did I really fuss so much over socks? The most
insignificant thing... and birthday trips? He had all the good intentions and
patience of a saint with me, and all I
could do was to throw it back in his face! High maintenance he used to call
me... I’d say just plain selfish...
The doctors tell me
he’s doing well now. Shouldn’t be too long before he wakes up, so they say.
I’ve just about got his bag packed, dirty socks and all.
I hope he knows...
hope he knew before all this happened what I feel... I make sure I tell him
every day now. I just pray he can hear me... Alfred, I love you.
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